One of the key features of the Real Housewives franchise is a steady supply of new cast members each year for us to love and/or hate and/or love to hate and/or hate to love. Thanks in large part to the RHONY reboot, 2023 had a bumper crop of new women joining Andy Cohen’s little reality-television mafia, so in celebration of another robust year of Housewifery the Institute is issuing its official judgment this year’s new recruits.

These judgments are both scientific and spiritual. I considered fan reaction, possibility for longevity, ingenuity in the Reality Television Arts and Sciences, overall personal style, and whether or not I like them. I also consulted with both Eileen Davidson and The Celestials, so the list is blessed on the highest levels. Here are 2023’s newbie Housewives, ranked from worst to best, because one of the other key features of the Real Housewives franchise is judging absolutely everyone.

14. Nneka Ihim (RHOP): I’m sorry, but Nneka is a flop. She showed up with her sights targeted on fellow Nigerian Wendy Osefo, but the only drama she has is some nonsense about her sister’s cousin’s best friend’s momma saying that Wendy’s sister-in-law is a bitch and her momma is casting spells on them. It’s more convoluted than trying to do a Rubik’s cube while watching Inception. Try less hard, Nneka. Way less hard.

13. Erin Lichy (RHONY): It’s not the Trump donations or the lackluster explanation of why she made them that landed her here, but they are emblematic of how Erin behaved on the show. She would do something stupid, not apologize for it, and try to rewrite history so that the bad thing she did doesn’t exist, at least in her mind. But the real reason she’s ranked so low is her awful treatment of co-stars Ubah (“Ubah. Come.”) and Jessel, thinking she was above being nice to everyone. And, yeah, those Trump donations didn’t help.

12. Jennifer Pedranti (RHOC): It’s hard to judge Jen because most of her storyline wasn’t even about her, it was about her player boyfriend Ryan, who does not seem like a good match for her. Instead of tussling with the rest of the cast, she just sat there taking Tamra’s barbs and barely even fighting back. I was hoping for more, but at this point OC is so screwed I don’t think one newbie is gonna save it.

11. Angie Katsanevas (RHOSLC): This is Angie K’s second season, but her first as a full-fledged Housewife. I didn’t like her last season and I don’t like her now that she’s the only Angie left standing. All Spanakopita Jones gives us is overly complicated drama, intergalactic outfits, and reminders that she’s Greek. While she’s chilled out a little bit in the second half of the season, she’s still dressing like Judy Jetson on her way to prom just so she can glare at her husband in a fast-casual restaurant in a strip mall.

10. Sai De Silva (RHONY): Fans have forgiven Housewives for being meddling, for being oblivious, and for being literal criminals. We’ll give the ladies a wide berth. But it’s hard to come back from being mean. From shouting at Jessel for telling complicated stories to attacking Jessel’s marriage and calling her a liar based on a misunderstanding about plane tickets, Sai didn’t have the best showing this season. However, based on her canny reunion performance, I think we’re going to see a nicer, more self-aware Sai in season two.

9. Danielle Cabral (RHONJ): Danielle’s placement behind fellow newbie Rachel would be even sadder if “friends of” were included in this list, because she’d be behind Jennifer Fessler, too. It’s not that Danielle was bad, per se, just a little bit annoying and so far up Teresa’s ass that she could whisper a secret in Jennifer Aydin’s ear. Also, we could have used a full explanation of why she and her brother aren’t talking. But once she figured out at the reunion that both Jen and Teresa played her in their war against Team Melissa, I started to see the potential in the Garden State’s new blondie.

8. Ubah Hassan (RHONY): When Ubah went into the kitchen of Topping Rose and stole a can of coconut milk I thought for sure she was going to be too intentionally wacky. But as the season progressed she slowed down and proved to be one of the few NY women willing to stand up for herself. She might have gone too far snatching Erin’s glasses off her face and come on a bit too strong at the reunion, but otherwise she’s an amusing addition to this wonderfully diverse cast.

7. Annemarie Wiley (RHOBH): As of press time, Annemarie has only been in two (2) episodes so far. Due to the Eileen Davidson Accords that require we wait five episodes before formally judging a Housewife, we’re leaving her right here in the neutral center position. We reserve the right to retroactively change this ranking in January.

6. Brynn Whitfield (RHONY): Housewives has always been a comedy at its core, which means that the funniest of the new batch should have a position high up on the list. Gorgeous, fun, flirty, and quick with a quip, Brynn is aiming for Bethenny Frankel 2.0 but without the sharp edges. I loved learning about her heartbreaking upbringing, but next season we could stand to learn more about her job and her life in the city. Also, mad props for her viral BravoCon moment with the shoes.

5. Rachel Fuda (RHONJ): I can’t quite explain it, but I just love Rachel. Maybe it’s because she has a gorgeous little button nose. Maybe it’s because she loves her stepson so much she adopted him as her own. Maybe it’s because she chose the right side of history (a.k.a. Team Melissa) when she joined the show. I’m not sure what it is, but she’s sure got it.

4. Jessel Taank (RHONY): Most of the reboot’s iconic first-season moments — TriBeCa, looking like a Christmas tree, choosing a preschool based on their charcuterie platter — are thanks to Jessel, the queen of obliviousness. She was so completely herself that she forgot to care what people would think of her, and that made fans fall for her. That she was on the receiving end of mean-girl energy for most of the season also certainly helped. It’s hard to come back from barfing on the red carpet at the show’s premiere (honestly, iconic), but Jessel sure figured out how.

3. Pavit Randhawa (RHONY): The unofficial seventh New York Housewife gets an honorary placement in this ranking in recognition of his own contributions to the reboot’s contentious first season. For a second it seemed like all the ladies were coming for Pavit — well, at least Sai and Erin, who were confused about his solo trip to Vietnam and accusing him of misdeeds while away from Jessel. He responded with an absolutely hilarious recap of the trip and an appearance on Instagram live with his hero the Points Guy, and became the nerdy prince Bravo fans never knew they wanted. Aside from his one quickly rescinded comment about Sai being “bipolar,” he came out of the season a squeaky-clean, unexpectedly central character.

2. Jenna Lyons (RHONY): We have entered the age of the anti-Housewife. We’re so used to seeing women who want to be on these shows so badly (see Nneka and Angie) that the only thing that’s really original is someone who seems to hate being there. When RHONY’s biggest drama unfolded on a girls’ trip, Jenna headed for her room and worked. Hey, business class is expensive. She gave the reboot some much-needed clout and then let the rest of the women carry the show. That’s why she’s Jenna Fuckin’ Lyons, and I’m gonna be pissed if she doesn’t give us another season.

1. Monica Garcia (RHOSLC): She showed up as Jen Shah’s former assistant who testified against her and followed that up with getting thrown out of the Mormon church for having an affair with her brother-in-law. It would seem that Monica is absolutely crazy, and she is, but she’s also almost always right (and shockingly kind in her efforts to make sure Meredith and Mary always have a friend). She immediately clocked Lisa as being out of touch about losing her $60,000 ring, and has kept her bothered ever since. While it may seem similar, this is different than Erin and Sai coming after Jessel: Monica, as a newbie and the least wealthy of the cast, is an underdog, and Lisa has been shouting down these women for years and never taking accountability for her actions. The rest of the cast has given up getting into it with her. After meeting Monica’s monster of a mother, it’s clear that she is used to fighting and not afraid to do it, and is therefore the much needed check to Lisa’s Wendy’s-loving id. I can’t wait to see if her lawsuit against Heather is the big reveal for the second half of the season.

Ever since she showed up in the third season of Real Housewives of New York City back in 2010, Sonja Morgan has been our favorite floozy, the straw that stirs the drink, the curator of cock, or any of the many other sexy titles she’s given herself. It seemed like she’d never leave our TV screens.

Then, last March, Bravo announced a hard reboot of RHONY and a spinoff tentatively called Legacy that would feature the original ‘wives. But while the reboot came and went, Legacy stalled out as a series, eventually resurfacing as the upcoming fifth season of Ultimate Girls Trip. It’s been a bit of an “on hold” period for Sonja, who spent six weeks living in a hotel in rural Illinois with Luann de Lesseps on Luann & Sonja: Welcome to Crappie Lake and has been touring the country with her live show. She also spent some time (though not much, as it turns out) filming UGT: Legacy with Luann, Ramona Singer, Dorinda Medley, Kristen Taekman, and Kelly Bensimon, who all return to the St. Barth’s house where Sonja may or may not have engaged in anal with a guy who looked just like Johnny Depp. Ahead of the season, which kicks off Thursday, December 14, on Peacock, she filled the Institute in on that vacation, what it’s like being out of the normal Housewives filming cycle, and, of course, her sex life.

This conversation has been condensed and edited because, come on, have you met Sonja? 

Hey Sonja! You’re on the West Coast. What are you doing away from New York? 

I was doing Sonja in Your City. Monday in Portland, Oregon, and last night in San Diego. I was manifesting season two of Crappie Lake — there’s rumblings to be available — so I didn’t book anything, any Sonja In Your City. And then it turns out, still on hold, let’s say.

Can you break some news about Crappie Lake season two?

No, just that I was making myself available because it’s a real possibility since it did so well. I’m getting all these emails and DMs from towns saying, “Please come to us next.” One town in Texas said they didn’t even have a hospital within two hours. You know me, “Who do I have to fuck in this town to get a playground?”

Or a hospital! Speaking of, you hooked up with a guy on Crappie Lake. Have we heard from Billy Richard? 

Oh my God. Everyone was asking me last night, “How’s it going with Billy Richard?” And I said, “I didn’t realize that he was going to go back to New Orleans.” He lives outside New Orleans. Another town I’d like to do for Crappie Lake, by the way. He only travels by truck with his dog, so he doesn’t fly. And I was like, “Honey, if you’re going to come see me … ” Normally if I text someone, they have 10 minutes to get to my place.

When I got back to New York, I rented a place out near where Andy Cohen lives in Amagansett, a cottage with a fireplace and a bathtub. And I met a local guy, a viking type. I realized that in Benton with Richard, those are real men, you know what I mean? They’re really good in bed. They don’t care about TV.

Was Billy Richard good in bed?

Yeah, he was great. He went all night. So then, now, this guy I’m dating out on the island, he’s amazing. And he doesn’t care about TV. He watched Crappie Lake with his gay friends, and he loved it, but he really is like, “Let’s go to the beach and have a bonfire. Let’s go get some oysters and Cheetos.” And I’m really enjoying him. So being in New York’s been hard since he only has two days off a week.

How long have you two been dating?

Eight months.

Are you using the ‘boyfriend’ word?

Yeah, I did. I usually say lover, but you know? When you stop doing doggy style and you actually turn around and see their face, that’s a boyfriend.

You filmed Real Housewives every year for a decade. You’d normally be filming right now. What’s it like not having that in your life anymore?

It’s an adjustment, because we used to film five months, take off for Thanksgiving and Christmas. That was our routine. And then when I stopped filming after five months, I wouldn’t drink for maybe two or three months. I’d wait until I filmed again. Now, with Sonja In Your City, two or three shows sometimes a week for four or five months, I’m still on that slippery slope, because I have to have a double tequila soda before I go out. And I don’t have a snatch guard. It’s like, full-on all the bits and pieces are out. So I’m just like, “Okay, so I have to drink for that show, then I have to drink for this show.” So I actually have to remove myself from my whole routine for ten days and go to Costa Rica and do a retreat, or go to Palm Springs and just not drink at all to clean up. So that’s been one adjustment for me is to do everything extreme, but also in moderation, if you get my drift.

Then the other thing I had to get used to is how am I going to plan my finances, because I can’t count on that paycheck every year. Because you film, you get paid, it airs, you get paid. Crappie Lake was great. You only film for six weeks and you get ten, 12 episodes. Yay! Then you do Ultimate Girls Trip, it’s six days, six episodes. Okay, I’d rather more episodes. But now it’s like, when am I going to film again?

You only filmed Ultimate Girls Trip for six days?

Right. Six or seven days, if I remember right. Maybe it was six nights, seven days.

How was that different from filming a trip during a season of Real Housewives?

That’s a good question. I’m going to say it’s probably the same, but usual Housewives trips are only two, three nights, and it’s three episodes, maybe, on the show. And because it is a whole series, it’s a little more intense, because you film from morning to night, that’s the usual. But you’ve got to make sure you cover all your bases. So we get a sport in today, we get in a brunch, we get in cocktails, we get the pool scene, the dinner out, maybe gambling or whatever. You got to have it all in one day. It’s a lot.

Is it fun at all?

Well, for me, it was wonderful. After I spent six weeks with Luann, and just realizing what a married couple we are and what we can achieve — not just on camera, but for that town — I was so looking forward to being back with Dorinda and Ramona, because they’ve been in my life a long time.

What was it like being back with Kelly Bensimon? 

I got to be the other crazy girl with her. I call her Kelly Bean. And we really had a nice time together. You’re going to see that. And then I think you’ll be surprised where the drama came from. I was thinking Ramona, Dorinda, but I think … What’s her name, Kristen, um, Kristen Taekman, who I haven’t seen for a lightyear. She was very stressed out all the time. I have no idea why, I guess because she’s a soccer mom, and she had to make arrangements to go on the trip, like we all did, but somehow it seemed like it was harder for her or something.

When they first announced Legacy, it sounded like it was going to be like an old season of Housewives with 22 episodes. Are you happy with how this Girls Trip format played out?

People want to have another RHONY OG show in addition to the new — I call them the New Wives, and we’re the First Wives. I understand you got a new show with new wives in New York City, but you also want your OGs from New York that you grew up with. And you want to know what’s going on in our lives with our children, and our houses, and our jobs, and our boyfriends, and our divorces. They want to know the mothers and the kids. And now we’ve got the husbands watching because of COVID.

Also with Crappie Lake, I have a lot of straight guys, so I have grown my hair longer rather than do a fashion cut because they said my audience, the guys watch me not just because I’m a boozy floozy, but because they like my sexy look. The long hair, not a fashion look. The gays love a fashion look.

But the gays aren’t going to fuck you.

That’s true. Unless they’re bisexual, but I have to buy them something.

So are you getting lots of DMs from your new straight-guy fans?

Yeah. And then when I was in Benton, I raided the firehouse. We had a blackout one night, so I went over to the firehouse. I had a good time.

Sonja, I need every detail of that story right now.

The thing is, most people in Benton are married. And it’s a small town and we were there to work. So I went on Farmers.com and I saw a couple cute farmers. I was like, “Can you drive two hours? I’m having a barbecue tomorrow.” That kind of thing. But then I just got tired, because the firehouse is half a block away.

I was already aware of who liked me at the firehouse, because when Luann was busy getting the tour of the bunk bed room there with her man, I was right by the big machine, which is basically a fireman’s extension of his dick. I just stayed next to the fire truck. And I asked him, like, “How do you blow the horn?” Anything I could to wake their imagination. “How heavy is your hat?” Stuff like that. So yeah, I met some nice guys. I was not going to be there six weeks without a lover.

We’ve seen Luann flirt and she has great game. How is your game different?

I think Luann is a little more obvious, and I don’t work as hard, but I just want her to get a great guy that has a great lifestyle. She likes a good lifestyle. She likes to socialize. She’s an extrovert. I’m an introvert, so my needs are much less. I want good food, good sleep, good dick. She wants everything. She wants the plane, the boat, the Aspen, Palm Beach. I don’t want any of that. I would go back to Benton. You know what I mean?

Have you watched the new RHONY? 

No, but I met Brynn [Whitfield] at BravoCon because one of the executives wanted us to meet and it was instant chemistry. She’s so wonderful. I’d love to do an Ultimate Girls Trip with her and some of the old wives. I’d want to be on a trip with her and some of the other girls from some of the other franchises, and of course Luann. Right?

So are we going to get to see your new viking boyfriend in any upcoming projects? 

No. I’ve got to keep them to myself, I can’t stick my guys out there like an appetizer for people. No way. I have to keep them under wraps!

You know you have a favorite Bravo quote. Whether it’s a “Gone with the Wind fabulous” or a “I’ll tell you how I’m doing: Not well bitch,” something is always coming out of our favorite reality stars’ mouths that is going to be disseminated in group chats for years to come. This year was no exception, with Housewives, Deckies, and ersatz SURvers all competing to drop the next phrase destined to festoon Etsy merch and launch a million reaction GIFs. To celebrate their hard work, we at the Institute put together a little quiz on some of the best Bravoland quotes from 2023, but just to make things a little more challenging, we left a crucial word out of each one. Click on through to Vulture and give it a shot —if you get them all right, you get a prize. (It’s another year of Bravo! Congrats, you already won.)

Real Housewives of Salt Lake City: “While Lisa tells Heather they haven’t spoken since the blow-up at Meredith’s event, Whitney shares her side of the conflict with Angie, whose bejeweled forehead and pink glasses make it look like she just landed from the planet Chromatica.” (Season 4, Episode 13)

Real Housewives of Potomac: “Cast members are bravely trying to make all-cast events work with Ashley drawing the short straw this week and dragging everyone to Austin, the land of craft beer, daisy dukes, and bachelorette parties (meaning she would fit right in).” (Season 8, Episode 5)

Real Housewives of Miami: “As triumphant as Julia’s mediocre performance turned out to be, it’s the opposite for Larsa Pippen, a butterfly that decided it hated its new body and turned back into a caterpillar.” (Season 6, Episode 6)

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: “Homeschooling is never a good idea. Know who was homeschooled? Kim Richards! And now she’s a shut-in who is just scribbling on the walls with crayons like some serial killer who has been left in solitary too long. She’s like the Joker if he loved turtles.” (Season 13, Episode 7)

Below Deck Mediterranean: “‘Some people have a lot of growing up to do,’ Kyle adds. Yeah, YOU!” (Season 8, Episode 11)

Southern Charm: “Madison’s gyno’s name is Dr. Pound, which is the best name for a gyno, because so often after you go to Pound Town you end up in Dr. Pound’s office just a few weeks later.” (Season 9, Episode 11)

Winter House: “The problem is that Danielle’s mouth says she just wants to keep it easy, breezy, beautiful, Cover Girl, but every other part of Danielle’s body says, ‘Will you be my boyfriend? Circle one. Yes. No.’” (Season 3, Episode 7)

Married to Medicine: “The women collectively roll their eyes as the pallbearers suspensefully open the coffin, and Quad leaps out with a rehearsed one-liner before diving into one of her infamous monologues with the same vocal affect as a preacher, proclaiming that this is a funeral where they will bury ‘the pettiness, turmoil, and strife among this group.’” (Season 10, Episode 5)