MAY 10, 2024

Hello and welcome to the brand-new, fully refurbished Housewives Institute Bulletin. Your donations have been adding up, allowing us not only to add a whole new wing onto the Institute, but also to completely redesign our logo. Good-bye, nondescript rainbow lady who used to stand at the top of this email, and welcome to the Institute’s very own crest. I requested it include the Institute’s official motto, “Hoc Mihi Videtur” (“That’s My Opinion!”), but you didn’t donate quite enough for actual Latin. Dead languages aren’t cheap.  

Speaking of cheap: This newsletter will once again be going out every other week instead of monthly, so you now get twice as much Housewives content for the same exact price, which is free, making this the best bargain you’ll ever get. We’re also going to have some fun new features — including regular prompts for input from you, which you’ll see below — and the return of the Institute’s Social Pages, which follow all the Bravo World comings, goings, divorces, scandals, feuds, and Sonja Morgan Townhouse Auctions in the offseason. Yes, while there haven’t been any Housewives on for a month, the Institute has been busier than ever, and as the president and founder (and also a client!), I hope you all enjoy it as much as I enjoy making it. 

Who’s in, who’s out, and just what the hell is going on with Andy.

Credit: Bravo

Our Hearts Belong to Daddy: Andy Cohen’s crisis-PR-mandated charm offensive continues with a long Q&A and cover story in The Hollywood Reporter. (I heard a rumor he has other covers coming up very shortly.) The story bills itself as the first time he talks about the “reality reckoning” and the lawsuits coming his way, but all he really says is that “it’s hurtful, but I have no regrets.” It reminds me of the recent L.A. Times story, which also recounts Andy’s whole career and goes over answers even the most casual Housewives viewer has heard a million times. If these articles aren’t for fans, who are they for? Prospective jurors? 

Casting a Wide Net: Chelsea Handler is not joining RHOBH, but it seems like Tori Spelling would like to, even if she says Andy won’t cast her because she’s “broke.” (In the Hollywood Reporter article, he says that Bravo and Spelling have never really had a serious conversation about it.) … A rumor that’s a bit more believable is that former QVC host Stacey Rusch is joining RHOP, and while I don’t believe this Twitter rumor that former RHODC star Stacie Scott Turner was in talks to also join the show, I would love it if it were true. Considering the show just started filming its next season, we should be learning more shortly. 

Breakups and Makeups: I feel like Allison DuBois. Only five years after I went on Bitch Sesh and said Dorit Kemsley and PK, a never-ending yoga fart, were headed for divorce, it looks like they finally are. They say they’re just taking time off, like Kyle Richards and Mauricio, so maybe Dorit is trying to drag out her divorce even longer than Kyle. Speaking of which … In the world’s slowest-moving divorce, Kyle Richards just removed the “Umansky” from her Insta bio …  Bethenny Frankel is having quite the time these days — not only did she pause her divorce podcast following her mother’s recent death, now she’s broken up with her fiancé, Paul Bernon, after six years together … Rachel Leviss has a new man described as a “single dad” and CEO … And The Valley star Jesse Lally has a new girl named Lacey Nicole, who is described as an Orange County “socialite” and is friends with Gretchen Rossi, Caroline Stanbury, and Heidi Montag. A source tells the Daily Mail, “She's not interested in reality TV and has zero interest in appearing on The Valley.” Um, really? You could have fooled me! 

The ten best reboots in Bravo history.

Credit: Peacock

In honor of the new and (hopefully) improved Housewives Institute Bulletin, I decided to look back at some of the best Bravo reboots of all time. These are the people, places, and things that came back refreshed or reimagined, and it isn’t ranked because when something finds a new and better life on Bravo, we all benefit. All renovations are good ones, except for Melissa Gorga’s new house that’s just as ugly as the old one, but in a different way. 

Always Royalty: Even though Countess Luann de Lesseps had an excellent fifth season of RHONY, hooking up with a pirate and trying to hide it from the cameras by speaking French, she was demoted to a “friend of” for the show’s sixth season. But leave it to Countess Crackerjacks to not take it lying down. During the sixth season, she fought with Aviva Drescher about text messages, with Ramona for being a hypocrite about divorce, and with Sonja Morgan about, what else, her facialist. It was one of this legend’s all-time best seasons and proved that she deserved her apple for the rest of the original cast’s tenure on the show.

Miami’s on Fyah: RHOM was always a stellar, wildly unappreciated franchise (remember when Adriana de Moura slugged Joanna Krupa at a lingerie party?) that was “put on pause” after its 2013 season. Eight long years later, Peacock brought it back with some of the former cast and a stellar crop of new ladies, including fan favorites Dr. Nicole Martin and Guerdy Abraira. It’s become low-key the best city in Bravo’s firmament, combining light drama and silly fights with true, deep friendships. I hope it starts getting the ratings it deserves, because we can’t have these mojito-graspers going away again. 

Buy a Nose: Like a busted computer or a Superman movie, some things get rebooted again and again and don’t always improve. The same cannot be said for Kyle Richards’s nose. Now on its third iteration, it went from a certified honker to the delightful, balanced, and subtle feature that we know today. Thank God her nose got “broken” on the “set” of “Halloween Kills,” which led to the second nose job in 2020. That’s one way to turn an accident into perfection. 

Another Bite at the Apple: RHONY already received a soft reboot after its fourth season, but after its disastrous 13th season, Andy Cohen and crew decided to do the unthinkable and fire the whole cast and start anew. While the results were mixed with some fans, I found the return to an aspirational cast centered on the eternally cool Jenna Fucking Lyons to be an absolute hoot. We got Jessel Taank not knowing that Tribeca was already up-and-come, a killer fight between Erin MewMew Lichy and Ubah Hassan, and Sai de Silva taking her own toilet paper everywhere she goes. Get ready, because this cast is going to have an amazing second season. 

Hot Cross Bun: My sexual ideal has always been an enormous man in a tiny bathing suit, so when Scheana Shay started bringing her former rugby-playing boyfriend Brock around Vanderpump Rules, I immediately took notice. One problem: the outdated man-bun he was always sporting. But when he lopped it all off for a short and tidy ’do before the show’s blockbuster tenth season, a new crush object emerged, and Scheana is now married to what may be the hottest dude on cable TV. (P.S.: I’m reserving the right to place this paragraph with Kyle Cooke’s post-mullet cut as soon as we get the reunion reveal.) 

Room at the Top: What happens when you give Dorit Kemsley free rein to redesign a room at the Buca di Beppo in Encino? She slaps a bunch of plastic lemons on the wall and throws a baby shower in it where Brandi Glanville talks about her affair with Denise Richards. You probably can’t name any other restaurant in Encino, but the Capri Room is famous the world over. 

Waking Up in the Morning: In 2011, Teresa Giudice’s oldest dorter Gia sang an embarrassing a cappella song she wrote for her sister’s birthday all about the strife that her mother and Tio Joe were going through at the moment. It was cringe personified, which is why ten long years later, TikTok users picked it up as the soundtrack for telling cringe stories from their childhood. A meme was born and Gia’s ditty found its own place in the internet Hall of Fame, even if most users have no idea it came from Bravo. 

We Can See Her Halo: After the first season of RHOBH, fans were so mean to the “pernicious” Camille Grammer that Andy had to take time out of the reunion to read some of the horrible things people said about her on social media. But there’s nothing one season and a crisis-PR manager can’t fix. Camille came back for season two with a plan, told the absolute truth about her castmates, and gave us the “But now we said it” moment where she revealed Taylor Armstrong’s spousal abuse. It’s not like she became a whole new person, it’s that she just decided to start using her shit-stirring powers for good instead of evil.  She is possibly, to this day, the only Housewife to make such a complete reputational 180, which is why I called her St. Camille of Grammer for many years. 

CGI Opener: Remember the terrible RHONJ season-one reunion set, where a bunch of multicolored chandeliers hung in an all-white room? Or what about the RHOSLC season-four reunion set, which looked like Pirates of the Caribbean entered the Ice Age? There have been some real stinkers over the years, but that all changed with last season’s RHOC reunion set. For the 17th reunion (the first of which was filmed in Vicki Gunvalson’s backyard), Andy and the women sat in front of an enormous LED screen projecting the luscious beaches of Orange County. Finally, a set that gave the women the majesty they deserved. Can we get them to all look like this now? 

The Golden Touch: Of all the dance singles in the Bravo firmament, the one that never got enough play was Scheana Shay’s absolute banger “Good As Gold.” It was more of a punch line among fans than anything — until #Scandoval hit, and suddenly, the ditty realized that it was never meant to be a song at all but a jingle. Uber Eats capitalized on the show’s popularity and made a commercial featuring Scheana, Ariana Madix, and Lala Kent (“Savings!”). Not content with just that, she and the band the 27s then remixed it into a “screamo version.” We could keep doing this forever. I can’t wait for the roller-disco version.

Well, this weekend, anyway.

Credit: Bravo

This weekend marks 15 years since the premiere of the first season of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, which offered us one of the best, most twisted first seasons of any Housewives franchise. (The premiere season of RHOSLC might be the only one that beats it.) But of all the things that happened in the first season, the true harbinger was Teresa Giudice, with her original face, paying $120,000 in cash for a bunch of tacky furniture for her new house. Bravo was initially selling the show as a real-life The Sopranos, and this surely didn’t do much to wash the stench of the Bada Bing off of Franklin Lakes. 

That’s your opinion, and we want to hear it!

Credit: Bravo

Believe it or not, we here at the Housewives Institute do care about your opinions, so once a month we’re going to pose a question to our members, and we’ll publish the best, funniest, most creative answers in the next newsletter. Then we’ll start it all over again so that our hilarious commenters can have their own showcase. 

Our inaugural question is in honor of Peacock’s new Bravo Vault. Starting April 15, the streaming service put up a bunch of old but not forgotten Bravo shows, including NYC Prep, Top Chef Just Desserts, Gallery Girls, Don’t Be Tardy, The Rachel Zoe Project, Blood, Sweat & Heels, Real Housewives of D.C., Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, and Tabatha Takes Over. (For a full list, click here.) Of all the shows, the one I’m going to start immediately is Shahs of Sunset, which, it might shock you to learn, I have never watched. Sure, I know all the players — particularly our Traitors meme queen MJ — and have caught the stray episode here and there, but I can’t wait to find out all of their contributions to the Bravo Hall of Fame. I have a feeling there is a whole ton of mess ahead of me, and that’s just G.G.’s contributions. 

So now I ask you, dear readers: Which shows from the Bravo Vault are you most excited to watch (or dreading to revisit)? Drop us a line at housewives@nymag.com, and we may feature your response in the next edition …

A selection of the best Vulture’s Bravo Recaps Industrial Complex has to offer.

Credit: Bravo

The Real Housewives of New Jersey: I don’t think this dynamic where some of the cast refuse to film with each other or even talk to each other can last, and it hasn’t played out especially well this season of Vanderpump Rules. However, as a reality-television sociologist and historian, I’m very curious to see how it’s going to work. Based on the very beginning of the episode (which was not included in the press screener), it seems like it is going to go Dorinda Medley’s favorite way: not well, bitch. [Season 14 Premiere]

Below Deck: Fraser checks in with Kerry about the potential guest–crew member midnight kiss and doesn’t mention that the crew member in question is himself. Kerry, who is functionally HR, clocks it as sexual harassment. Fraser: “And if the crew member was really actually keen?” Kerry approves but stays tight-lipped about his own past boatmances. He makes a Dr. Evil pinky gesture that I hope someone turns into a GIF.  [Season 11, Episode 14]

Vanderpump Rules: Ariana’s stance is still a great one. She wanted Tom to be more real with her and less reality — something he has been incapable of the entire season. We especially see this in the very final seconds when Schwartz says Lala’s rant is a “plot twist,” and Sandoval says, “It’s good for me,” and tacks on a laugh so maniacal that Dr. Evil has been studying it. Even still, he’s only thinking about the show, about his fame, about exoneration. He doesn’t actually care how Ariana feels or about her forgiveness; he cares about selling more tickets for his cover band. [Season 11 Finale]

The Valley: I learned in this episode that Jasmine has a girlfriend named Melissa. Did we know this before? Did I miss this when I was still refusing to believe that The Valley could be good? I like her a whole hell of a lot more now. Gay men are over, and bisexuals don’t exist, so lesbians are where it's at these days. Can we just shorten the whole acronym to L+? I’d be happy with that. [Season 1, Episode 8]

Top Chef: Anyway, Danny’s uniform ticket system ends up being the secret weapon in Channel’s service. (My partner has requested a Party Down and Top Chef crossover episode so we can get some perspective from the servers on how these high-pressure events feel for them, and yes, please, I would like more Party Down whenever. Ron Donald forever.) [Season 21, Episode 8]

Summer House: Seeing Lindsay this truly happy is rare for us, and whoever gave her a bunch of lingerie packaged to look like sandwiches is an absolute genius and I would like to hire them for all celebratory occasions for the rest of my life. [Season 8 Episode 11]